dear daddy

i'm sorry for all times i failed you. i know deep down inside what kind of person i am. i'm just an average joe. i dont excel in things, be it academic, be it sports, be it ANYTHING. yet i try because of you. i try because i want to make you proud.

remembering the day when i got a medal at the regatta. i saw your face. it was glowing. and you kept a firm hand around my shoulder. and that gave me strength. that made me truly believe that you are proud of me.

yet after yesterday i realise it all changed. after yesterday, i started to think about all my failures. i remember your face when i sat behind your car after pesta sukan. after all my hands bled. your face was one of sheer disappointment. i held on tight to my mainsheet knowing that if i let go, your dreams will be gone too. i never thought that you would ever give me pressure but you did, indirectly.
i remember you asking me " how come you are not a national sailor?" and my heart, it just shattered into shards of broken glass piercing me deeply. that sentence alone killed my soul. and now i blame myself. i blame myself for quitting halfway. i blame myself for being a quitter. i blame myself for not sticking through things and most of all i blame myself for not bringing you proud.

yesterday you shouted at me. you actually think i'm anorexic and i didnt say anything back because i was scared. i was scared that i am. i dont know what is wrong with me all the disorders. i try to be as healthy as i can be. but all these things keep plaging me. if you can just stop and think before you spew hurtful words at me. i would thank you dearly.

never did i once thought in my 16 years of life that you had so much expectations and they all are pressing down on me. i guess because it was a silent expectation. but i assure you i had tried my best. i fought with my fears, i trained my ass off for the inter schools. yet i stunk like a pile of shit. and i'm truly sorry.

daddy, i'm your daughter and i'm proud of you. but you are my dad and you are not proud of me. i desperately need you to reassure me. to tell me that i can grow and discover my talents at my own space. or tell me that its alright if i dont discover any talents that can be awarded with a medal. tell me because i'm your little girl, you are already proud of me.

love your daughter