how foolish of me. to have even thought about it. to have even fantasize about it. how foolish of me to have even told you about it. i was half hoping the answer would be no. then i wouldnt even have a little hope in me burning in me. tearing me apart. because right now i am suffocating. i am strangled by a noose. i cant cut it. cause i still do. and i still think about it.
i think about you. i talk about you. but what about you? maybe i am just a girl to you. maybe i was thinking too much. we are world's apart. how could it be. and you had to make it worse by reciprocating. you know how much it hurts. i thought i didnt mind. i thought it would fade. cause it will never be. but it didnt. i missed you even more each day. i looked at every corner hoping you would pop out and say " hey joan!" i looked at every hole hoping you will climb out and say " hey joan!"

and this silly girl isnt me. at least it isnt what i want to be. but its taking over me. every part of me. i hate it. i detest it. cause i think i like you more than you like me. and its annoying. i want to stop. i will it stop. but can i? i am being pushed down further into the abyss. i dont want to do this anymore. and i cant tell anyone.

FUCK IT!