i declare: i am the deadest pile of meat anyone can find on earth. not even the dinosaurs (well duh... like they have no meat anymore) not even the funny blob of blubber the found in chile (well double duh... cause its not even meat. its technically fat) well just the deadest and most screwed up person on earth.

well today was the usual. had school then had chem pract. so after that i saw 59 leaving the bus stop so i decided to run after it. got on the bus. then i realised. oh damn... this goes to the bishan interchange. so i alighted at the bus stop outside RI to take 13 or 88 home. so as i alighted i saw 13 was infront of me. so i tried running. and as i ran , the bus kept on moving. darn it! i missed my bus. so i waited like 10 whole mins for the next bus to come. see what i mean about being screwed up. even the buses dont give you an easy time!

ok and my chinese O LEVEL exam is like next wed. i am so dead. i am so dead. i dont know so many chinese words. i will prolly skip all the words in the end and the whole passage wont make sense.

and life just seems different without you. i know you are close. but yet you feel far. but when you are far. it feels so close. its so strange. and i dont like it. why cant you be close and feel close at the same time . like simultaneously. i dont get it! (echoes of : me neither...) well all i can say is goodbye my dear. its been fun but perhaps its just going to end this way without a start and without an end.
the cruel facts of life--> sometimes you just cant get everything in the world
i just hope i can shrug it off and forget. but i need a how-to-forget-you instruction manual. i really do. bye...

so today was the first day of school. wa. damn boring. apart from seeing friends again. it was like crap. was falling asleep during lit. simply not interested in china women la. garrrrrrr.

and i just realise its just 2 more months to my prelims. and friday is my chinese oral. oh my god!!! i am like the deadest meat ever found to be dead. tomorrow there is like training. urghhhhhh

and interschools is like coming. what am i going to do with my life! i think i should just settle for a job as a toilet cleaner. at least i have a steady income!

SO this marks the end of my hols. joan wants to cry!!

urghhhhhh. june holiday was bad. i did nothing but sail. i sailed all day long. all week long. all month long. its not fair. i want my june holiday back!. i want to hang out in town everyday! i want to watch movie everyday! ahhhh i want my mommeeeee...

so this is it. i spent the last day of my glorious holiday rushing my homework. and right now on my list i still have 6 history essays to write. anabelle chow is so going to kill me. not to forget my lit essays which was way over due. i cant be bothered anymore. after the 6 essays. i'm off to bed.
BYE BYE pretty holiday!

well i have just been on the phone for 10 min on hold. and guess whos on the OTHER side.
PIZZA HUT. oh my goodness. and the delivery call ended up to be a pick up order. I WANT MY FOOD! cant anyone just feel some sympathy. JOAN JUST WANTS HER FOOD.

well whawt joan needs to do now is jump off the building. i swear i havent done my holiday homework. they are all neatly stacked up. and i havent touched a bit. its like school is starting tomorrow and all i can do is go online! what is wrong with me!

anyway i watched scary movie yesterday. oh my its so funny i couldnt stop laughing. i love the ju on part. they were speaking jap but words like toshiba fujitsu and tsunami came out. freaking hilarious.

and yes so grumpy old joan is waiting for her pizza. and and little miss
grumpy is peeling!!

ahhhhh another day at the regatta.

second day of regatta i came in 69. screwed up the last race cause of STRONG WIND!!!. i am an exception. all the other sailors when they hear STRONG WIND. they will scream for joy. but i will scream for help!

right now after the third day i am at postion 71. tied with val but my best is better than her best. seems kind of weird. but ya its counted like that.

and oh-so-smart-joan. she told everyone not to put on sunblock. cause there was no sun. we went out there and the sun started shining right on us. hahaha all of us are bbqed because of me! haha sorry guys. i am IN PAIN.!!! joan screams... and my retarded hiking strap. keeps coming off. i fell into the water and cap again! like wth. i was like going pretty fast on the reach. then splash. oooh FUCK! hahaha thats my reaction. lost 2 positions!

oh god i hate that bitch who must not be named. she looks like a freaking bull. and a man. and she is so fat. and she wore a yellow bikini out to sea. like wtf. we want our eyes woman! oops i mean man looking woman!

yesterday was a crapful day.

well went for training. transported out boats to nsrcc for sentosa champ the next day. wind was like crazily strong. wah lau. so tired. my poor legs. keep hiking out. and the water keep splashing on my face. damn pain. grarrrrr.

then when i finally saw nsrcc. jiao lian wanted us to train. so he lay out all the markers. and my hiking strap .one side longer than the other. and when i want to hike out on the shorter side. my legs not long enough. ta ma de. then i tell jiao lian. he scolded me. he say. wa ni de starts hen cha. ta ma de go go go go.
wa lau he was getting on my nerves yesterday. so after training nurul clio and me went to bedok market to eat. i think its so cool. its like so many stalls. so many things to eat. and so cheap. ok little confession. its been like ages since i went to a hawker centre to eat. its damn cool!!! joan loves it. *blow kiss hahaha

ok then around 9 the three of us reach my house. after i packed my stuff. we left for clio's house. then when we reach the lift. yus had to say. eh clio isnt your house haunted. and clio had to add ya i saw something in this lift before. and then we entered. hahah so i scream and everyone screamed along. so we shoved and pushed up the stairs. and made a hell lot of noise.

after settling down we decided to prank call people. hahah to all the "victims" we were sorry. but what a phone call compared to entertainment to 4 extremely bored girls. right... hahah i think the funniest was my call. i had the indian accent on . and i asked to speak to muthusamy. hahah and stupid kevin. never play along. so not fun!!.

next day we went down to nsrcc for sentosa champ. wa damn tiring. we were all dead. i got 70th in position. damn lan! hahaha cool. i am ah lian now. haha
well hope tomorrow will be better. this is just the beginning of a five day torture. and right now as i am sitting on a REALLY STABLE CHAIR. and can feel it rocking. like i am on a boat. and i have this hideous tan. glove tan. and watch tan. ggarrrr. i will be ostracised by the society. anyway while i was hiking out. my hiking strap broke. the rope came off. so i fell into the water. i was so shocked . and scared. well tata . joans going to lala land now.

what am i asking from you?

why cant i just tell you straight in your face. yes i am pissed. like hello!! joan waves in the air* of course i am pissed. but then again. who am i to say NO you must come with me.

i just wished we never planned it at all. so i wouldnt be disappointed at least. maybe it is time to out grow you. maybe its time for me to wake up from this dream. i dont know. TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO.

miss cant-express-my-emotions

"Singing Bridges (We All Fall)"

You're so unpredictable and I'm so typical

I tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world

I will sing a melody until the fluid starts choking me

And when my eyes are paralyzed I'll stare up at you my star

That I could never reach

I'll wait for you if you want me to

I promise you I wont change a thing

I wont be any more or any less

Your secrets safe I'll take it to my...

You're so unpredictable and I'm so typical

I keep tearing away at the skin

To see what's underneath

I will sing a melody until the fluid starts choking me

And when my eyes are paralyzed I'll stare up at you my star.

That I could never reach

I'll wait for you if you want me to

I promise you I wont change a thing

I wont be anymore or any less

Your secrets safe I'll take it to my...grave.

OhhhhhI'll wait for you if you want me to

I promise you I wont change a thing

I wont be any more or any less

Your secrets safe I'll take it to my...grave.

i am absolutely in love with this song. but its kind of dark. but its so nice! maybe i am turning goth. eewl. so scary.

anyway my sis got a pair of birkens. stupid girl. told her not to buy black. but she got it anyway. fine fine. anyway i still havent completed my homework. and its already mon. i am so dead! bye!

maybe i do feel random sadness in my life.
maybe i AM normal
sometimes i just cant convey my emotions well. sometimes i just say stuff that i dont mean to. thats what makes me fucked up. thats what makes me joan.
i cant help it. can i? i am starting to doubt whatever i have done. all those stupid silly things. can i just live my life away like that. wasting all my time on things that are not tangible. that are beyond my grasp.

will i change? will i become one of those shit people in the world where they only care about their life?. i dont want to be them. whatever happen to the side of me that has greater aspirations. are my convictions real? are they? why do i feel indignant about something that is not even related to me. or something that is just a lie.
will i still watch cartoon when i am 40? will i?

i need answers to my future. i just cant lived unplanned. unsounded. see i couldnt even be bothered to make a private blog. because my life isnt private. is it? i always thought that my life is hung out like a piece of clothing in the public for all to see.

what am i sad about? about some silly willy things that are not even occuring. oh god. i am so fucked up there is no fuckest up beyond me. i have been living in a cocoon of lies i had built myself. its time to set it right honey.

joan starts this post with a burp.

i am so freaking full. i am BLOATED. well just had dinner. yes at nine. and yes at the point where my metabolic rate is the lowest. yes yes i know all that. well and my dad poured me a cup of coke with bacardi. and yes i am feeling woozy. but i can still type normally. and note : woozy is not drunk. often mistaken by humans.

well you would never imagine what i am doing now. i am giggling non stop at something that is not funny. well it happens.

anyway tue will be a nightmare. i have to transport boats to NSC. wonder if i will ever get there. its so FAR. well got to go BYE!

squeeze me with bumble bee... lalalalalalala. ok i cant catch the words already.

my recent new found hobby: DDR
my recent new found DDR partner: CLIO
hahahah we rock man. we mastered the bumble bee. and almost reaching butterfly standard. hahah. i have been dancing to techno. YES like wth. but its real fun to follow the arrows. haha i am so addicted to it. itsl ike 40cent per game at the club. haha its damn fun!!
well dont blame me if i turn into an ah lian. cOsZx ItZX AllZX InFLuEnceZX bAhxZX. hahahahah

i'm tired . and when i am tired i get high. today training was quite fun. a least i could move the boat which ever way i like. oooh i love boat 12. but that Jared guy booked it already. grarrrr. yus's darling eh. hahahah

well today joan did a good deed. hahah heeeee. hahahahah i really did a good deed. joan grins. only me and the good deed knows what i did. hahaha
ok i totally dread whats coming up next week. oh my god. i must finish all my homework this weekend. if not i wont be able to finish them before school starts. and wed to sun i have sentosa regatta. AND the boat charter costs $102. maybe a little less. but we are not talking about 10 or 20 bucks. its like probably 90 plus?. i dont know. urghhhh. and i really hope its going to be light wind. and i really hope i dont suck that bad. just follow the RI people. i'll be alright. RIGHT?? please say RIGHT.

well BYE!
and all those talk about private blog. i have one too. heee its this one. cause no one actually knows my secret new add. CHEEERS to JOAN!

i totally dread training now. my whole face has been thrown down the toilet bowl. shitted on peed on. and urghhhh.

yus and clio said that this new guy was cute. and they said it so loudly i think he heard them. and he thinks i said it too. and when he sailed. he kept looking at me. and smiling like thinking of what we just said. some sort of a mocking smile. i knew it. i know its a mocking smile. urghhh. so embarrassing. he heard it. urghhhh

and the thing is he doesnt sail far away from me. we are about the same speed. urghhh. lord pray that he doesnt come on thur. and pray that that stupid starboard guy doesnt come on thur. i pray i pray i pray with all my heart.
let him come down with a disease. he is freaking annoying.

i dread sailing. i hate training. anyway tomorrow i still have to go down to nsc. to pay for sentosa regatta. sigh. ok got to sleep now. BYE

joan starts this post with a SIGH... *sigh*
yesterday was a really REALLY bad day. sailing was really really gross. oh my god jiao lian made us go out when there was no frikkin wind. i wasnt even moving at all. and all the juniors went out with us too. i was nearly bored to tears. and the RI people didnt have to. i bet they were laughing at us till their guts drop out on the power boat.

and though i was having fun and getting amuse by teasing clio. well i think she was having fun teasing me too. but ha we are just amusing. that didnt make my day either.

i miss you man. i really do. and i dont know why it is so. but i do. please will you leave my brain alone. stop clinging on to my hypothalamus. it hurts ok. sigh.
i truly believe the loudest and happiest kid is the saddest person on earth.

please help me forget. its better to forget than cling on to something that is non existent.

and to clio. I TOLD YOU SO!. ha! in your face sista!

how foolish of me. to have even thought about it. to have even fantasize about it. how foolish of me to have even told you about it. i was half hoping the answer would be no. then i wouldnt even have a little hope in me burning in me. tearing me apart. because right now i am suffocating. i am strangled by a noose. i cant cut it. cause i still do. and i still think about it.
i think about you. i talk about you. but what about you? maybe i am just a girl to you. maybe i was thinking too much. we are world's apart. how could it be. and you had to make it worse by reciprocating. you know how much it hurts. i thought i didnt mind. i thought it would fade. cause it will never be. but it didnt. i missed you even more each day. i looked at every corner hoping you would pop out and say " hey joan!" i looked at every hole hoping you will climb out and say " hey joan!"

and this silly girl isnt me. at least it isnt what i want to be. but its taking over me. every part of me. i hate it. i detest it. cause i think i like you more than you like me. and its annoying. i want to stop. i will it stop. but can i? i am being pushed down further into the abyss. i dont want to do this anymore. and i cant tell anyone.

FUCK IT!

tweedle dee and tweedle dum

oh my goodness. today was so tiring. its tiring by just not doing ANYTHING. you know.

well morning i woke up started panicking cause tomorrow is my first piano concert exam. and oh FUCK! i am not prepared
then i went over to photocopy my scores for the examiner. and as usual took at long time at the bath room fantasizing about my erm of course my fantasy. hahaha then went off for training. it was pouring like mouse and chickens (you know for a change people always say cat and dogs. i like mouse and chickens i think its only fair to them!)
ok so after that met up with yus at the mrt. SHE MADE ME WAIT SO LONG. growl!
went down to the club only to find that we were having a lecture on practically NO SUBJECT AT ALL
that bitch who must not be named is so annoying. she started telling us how to plan before a regatta. and what time to wake up. hello unlike you we dont have to write that down on paper. its all in our head. and by the way bitch! we are not bimbos. we dont follow the flow. we follow our brains. and even if we are bimbos we are still better than you . at least we got looks. you got nothing but FATS!. GROSS.
anyway she started talking about carbo loading. my god she carbo load too efficiently now all the carbs are tranformed into fats. never to disappear again. FREAK!

ok i'm down being angry. ok so after that we went swimming. oh i just love dunking people. its THE best sport on earth. LOVE IT!
after that yus followed me to collect my shoes for tomorrow. and on the train home we were visually raped. THIS FUNNY LOOKING MAN/WOMAN and this woman kept staring at us indiscretely. so RUDE and they laugh at us. so mean ok. that freaks. and i got scared. cause they did it throughout the whole ride.
anyway joan is tired. and she needs her rest. tomorrow will be the day. oh i just love the dress i will be wearing. love it love it love it!
well tata.
p.s i'm a bimbo i go with the flow. hah

HEYYYYYY!!!
oh my today was like THE best day in my life . well maybe not the best. i think my wedding followed by my oh no thats not the point.
well i finally got the lacoste bag. though its the summer collection and now is going on to dont know what i still got it. ITS GREEN! and well i got the $70 voucher from my uncle so why not. i still had to pay like 60 bucks. its not everyday that joan buys a 130 dollars bag ok. give her a break! hahaa

so yes. well the main purpose for this shopping trip was to get me something to wear for my concert exam. my teacher made it sound like i must dress formally and dress would be ideal. so oh fine i will wear a dress. walked around and couldnt find any!! so my mom decided to bring me to love on earth. its under celia loe. and her clothes are damn nice. i got a PRETTY PRETTY GAZILLION TIMES PRETTY dress. i love it. its turqoise and its flowy. its simple yet not dull. its SPECIAL. but it cost me $220. yea. so i am going to wear this on wed. followed by my concert in nov. followed by my cousin's wedding. yea. i love the dress.
oh no i need to find a pair of shoes to go with it. god bless me!